Day Two, Dawn

LOL, I just thought I'd give the title today some drama! I just woke up and wanted to post about my experience yesterday and some other stuff, too!

Yesterday I really did get through the entire day without counting calories and eating what I wanted. I went out to dinner with a friend and didn't even finish my meal. My sandwich was so-so and although the sweet potato fries are got were good, I was getting full, plus we were heading for a to die for chocolate place for dessert after, and I wanted to save room. I'd say that's unusual for me to do, to save room. Normally I'm either in diet mode where I'm very "careful" and don't eat too much so won't even go for dessert, or I'm in "FEED ME!" mode, where I'd tell myself to eat the whole sandwich, all the friends AND dessert, because what the hell!

Dessert was delicious and I didn't finish it, either. Huh. We'll see if I can keep this up! As I've mentioned, I've managed to get to this place before. I feel a good balance and I think what happens to me is similar to what happens to someone who is on, say, medication for depression or other mental disorder. (BTW - I am NOT making light of someone with that sort of disorder; my second cousin is schizophrenic, I have an uncle with mental issues, and various other relatives on anti-depressants, PLUS I've been to therapy a number of times and make my living helping people deal with their stuff!) So, I always try not to diet. Then I do well for a while and I feel so good, and often times even lose a few pounds, that I think, "I don't have to practice intuitive eating anymore, I can just cut down on my calories, lose the weight I want to, then I'll get back to eating mindfully." That always backfires, though, which is why I'm here today, writing this blog about not dieting for a year.

I want to be held accountable, and I have to say I'm so thankful for the comments I've received from all of you guys so far! A couple of you mentioned books you've read or recommended books, so I thought I'd give you a history of what I've read and how it helped.

Intuitive Eating - I've read this book. Twice. I read it the first time about three years ago and a second time within the last year. Everything in it is wonderful and makes complete sense. You know how you read something, get it, and think you'll just integrate it into your life and never stop doing it? I think that's what I keep thinking, but then I get off track again.

Breaking Free from Emotional Eating - Geneen Roth, the author of this book, is the very first person to introduce me to the concept of eating whatever the heck I wanted as long as I only ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full. When I first read the book a few years ago I thought she was insane and that there was no way I could ever do that. However, I've learned since then that I am capable of doing that, I just need to keep practicing.

When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies - I actually haven't read this since the first summer I bought it three years ago, I probably should read it again. I strongly believe that I would never, ever go on a diet if I loved my body the way it is. If you lived on a dessert island and never, ever saw "perfect" women on TV or in magazines, don't you think you'd feel better about your body, too? I do want to love my body. I should get this back off the shelf!

The Four Day Win - This book is an excellent guide to the way our brains affect our attempts at dieting. I've read it twice within the last year, and whenever I'm actually doing the exercises from the book I feel great. It starts off by concentrating on taking care of our minds before it ever delves into ways in which to move more and eat less. Good stuff.

If I'm So Smart Why Can't I Lose Weight? - Another book about feeling your feelings instead of eating through them. Short and to the point.

Runaway Eating - Dealing with very mild disordered eating.

I've read SO many books. I know what I have to do, I just have to do it now. Thanks for listening and all your help!

Day One, Can I Do It?

I am SO. SICK. OF. DIETING. I don't just mean the dieting where I'm on a certain program or counting every calorie, I mean the way I obsess about losing weight, my body, whether or not I should eat peanut butter, if I should allow myself to eat chocolate, if I can eat after 8 pm, if I should be able to have a glass of wine with dinner, what my jean size is, why I don't look like that girl on TV, it's all too damn much!

So I've decided to give up dieting. For a year. I am so exhausted by what I've put myself through over the years, and I'm ready for a break. Unfortunately, I've tried to give up dieting before, and I always fall back into the trap, so I am hoping that blogging about it will keep me in line.

This is not going to be a food blog. Though I may occasionally take pictures of something I ate, or talk about it, I'm not here to track every single thing I put in my mouth. I'm hear to talk about the reasons I diet, and why I think we all are constantly trying to improve our bodies. I hope other women (and men!) can relate and perhaps will look at their own eating and exercising habits, too.

So, more about me. I'm almost 30. I'm within the healthy range of weights for my height, but I'm at the very top end. I've been 20 pounds thinner but also 25 pounds heavier. I exercise almost every day, love to eat a mostly healthy diet, and have struggled with emotional and binge eating for the last 3 or 4 years. I have a good life and a partner who loves me, yet I can't let go of the idea that I need to lose those 20 pounds I gained a few years ago.

Truth be told, I weigh less now than I did in high school, by maybe 5 pounds. I'm not fat. But I'm not thin. I'm not like so many women I see on TV. But I want to let this all go. It's torture to worry about food every single day. I want to go for a year without dieting.

So what does that mean to me? For me, no dieting means:

• Absolutely no counting calories
• No restricting food groups (with the exception of meat and fish, I've been a vegetarian for many, many years)
• No following ANY eating plan (sometimes I go low fat, sometimes I go vegan, sometimes I eat only at certain times...all with the intention of losing weight. No more!)
• No measuring in attempt to control my food intake

Ideally, I'd like to get to a place where I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I want a healthy relationship with food and my body. I can see it, and at times I've felt it, but as long as I keep telling myself, "You're too fat. You have to lose weight", I am going to continue to limit my potential.

I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to love myself as I am and stop trying to force myself to shed pounds. At least for a year, anyways.

Have you given up dieting? Does it ever sneak back up on you?