It's 1:00 pm on this first day without dieting. I wish I could say it was fun and easy, but when portioning out my food I had to remind myself, "don't measure, don't count calories". And when I was eating I had to believe that I could listen to my body and stop when I was full. It's amazing how many times a really unpleasant thought goes through my head, and how scared I am to gain weight.
It's a little embarrassing to even talk about this. I can't believe I spend so much time and energy worrying about food and my weight, and thinking I'm not good enough where I am. I need to rewire my brain to remind me of my good qualities, and change my story to "I'm perfect the way I am" instead of, "until I lose weight/build muscle/get a great haircut there's something wrong with me".
I really don't think I was always like this. When I was in college and gained 20 pounds over the course of the four years, I barely even noticed it, it was weird. Finally when college let out I realized I was over a healthy weight and needed to get my act together. Even back then when I dieted it was healthy and I never felt obsessed or crazed about it. I lost weight slowly and steadily. The weird thing is, back then I just got myself back to my high school weight, which was not terribly thin. But I was happy and confident. Since then I've lost, then regained, weight. I actually weigh less now than I did then yet I'm still not confident.
Ugh, enough complaining! So far today is going well, I just want to start changing the voices in my head to positive ones. I actually left some of my breakfast because I was full, and made a delicious snack, then lunch, and I didn't measure anything. Which I think eventually will be freeing, assuming I continue to tell myself I'm wonderful. And I am.
Oh, today I also have been eating with my non dominant hand. One of the things I want to do is become more aware of the actual eating process. Often I sit down and suddenly my food is gone...bam! Where did it go? I want to be mindful in my eating. Eating with my left hand is certainly slowing me down.
How do you make sure you eat mindfully?
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